Internet Goosing the Antithesis

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The New Life Church Needs Your Help!

Things have taken a turn for the worse at New Life Church. First, it was the explosive revelation that Ted Haggard partook in gay sex and hard drugs.

Shortly thereafter came a new revelation that another pastor at New Life Church, this time one who "taught leadership skills to young adults," Christopher Beard, also dabbled in "sexual misconduct." I may be going out on a limb here, but I am willing to bet that Mr. Beard enjoyed some gay anal and/or oral sex.

And Mr. Beard has a degree from Oral Roberts University. I shit you not.

So where is New Life Church now? Well, they've begun an internal witch-hunt of massive proportions. They are calling on anyone and everyone who has first hand knowledge of any shenanigans by any church members/leaders to report it via a convenient web form on their site (provided that you keep the communication to 500 words or less).

I hope that all the Denver area male prostitutes and drug dealers have Internet access. They need to get their butts online and fill out that goddamn form, pronto!

Reports of deliveries of dump trucks full of pitchforks and torches to the church's shipping and receiving department could not be confirmed.

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At 12/20/2006 3:56 PM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

And how do we know the church's external "Overseers" haven't partaken of sinful vices either?

At 12/20/2006 6:52 PM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

Isnt self-policing just the most astounding concept???? ;)



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