The Sound of One Man Talking: A Conversation With Gene Cook

Now, I’m not normally one prone to ridicule. But sometimes I think the ridiculous needs to be shown for what it is, which is why I’ve pointed out the fallacious reasoning of Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, and why lately I’ve felt it necessary to publicize the humorous inconsistencies of Gene Cook. And though I don’t have any qualms about doing so, it is certainly nice to hear a note of support from the other side. As Gene said in a recent webcast:

I don’t make fun of all unbelievers. I just make fun of the professional unbelievers. … But when I come across a guy like the Infidel Guy, or Dan Barker, or Reverend Atheistar, or Francis Tremblah [sic], aka Kermit the Frog, then it’s a whole different ballgame. These are persistent mockers, and I get my pattern from the New Testament, as Jesus had the harshest words to say about the persistent mockers and the leaders- the blind leaders of the blind.

As Gene says, the persistent mockers paint themselves as targets, and so I’m only too happy to Goose the Antithesis.

Elsewhere in his webcast, Gene was faced with a dead phone board and a half-hour to kill. But he had at his disposal two key things: a razor-sharp wit, and a collection of out-of-context quotes he’d culled from Reggie Finley’s various shows and interviews. Since Gene got so much comedy mileage from the fake call to dinosaurdarwin.com, he decided to replicate the gag, and placed a fake call to Reggie, using the audio clips as a conversant:

So let’s try calling him up, see if we can have a little fun. And hopefully he won’t call the police or the FBI and tell them that I’m stalking him or something. He’s kinda paranoid like that.

Indeed- I can’t imagine why Reggie would think a man who talks publicly about him every week, fantasizes about beating him up, and talks to audio clips of his voice would be in any way “stalking.” But let’s indulge Gene for now.

Gene: Reggie, are you there?

[recording]: I’m great, it’s a pleasure being here.

Gene: Hey. Just wanted to talk to you about this little challenge that you threw out. I’m wondering why you would throw out a challenge, I mean, you threw out a challenge and you said, that you’d like to beat up Gene Cook in the ring, but then when I came back and said, “Let’s do it UFC style,” you backed down. I’m just wondering, what’s going on inside your head?

[recording]: God gave me this brain.

Gene: God gave you that brain, and yet you’re still an atheist.

[recording]: I’m an atheist.

Gene: And somehow you think that you’re a good person.

[recording]: I think I’m a pretty decent guy.

Gene: Decent according to what standard? I mean, decent according to Reggie’s standard?

[recording]: I do think I am better morally, though, than your god- yes I do.

Gene: Well, I have to take issue with you there.

I have to take issue also, at this point. There are ways to use audio clips out of context to be really funny. Matt and Trey did this with Isaac Hayes’ voice for the “Chef Returns” episode of South Park. Unfortunately, the comedy is really flailing here, but Gene changes gears, and begins to talk about his deepest fantasies…

Gene: The reason why I’m calling you Reggie, is that I just want to get you in the ring, in the UFC ring, and slam you down into the canvas like Gary Coleman. I saw the picture of you in your security guard outfit, and I- I thought it would be fun- maybe you could wear your security guard outfit to the- because I also saw the picture of Gary Coleman working at the- the mall in Los Angeles, and I thought you might be able to show up and I could just pretend that I was fighting Gary Coleman.

[recording]: What are you talking about?

Gene: I’m talking about taking you up on your challenge, and I’m talking about a UFC showdown. East Coast versus West Coast, atheist versus Christian, until the end. Three rounds, five minutes each… so what do you think? Are you ready?

[recording]: No, not really.

I’m more than a little disturbed by the idea that Gene’s been sitting around, fantasizing about Reggie dressed in his prison guard uniform. But that isn’t the only detail that’s been bubbling away in Gene’s mind all week…

Gene: Well, let me tell you what would have happened if you had taken me up on the challenge. I would have got you in the ring, I would have lifted you over my shoulders, like Matt Hughes lifts the guys that he fights.

[recording]: Really?

Gene: Yeah. And I would have slammed you down on the canvas.

[recording]: Wow.

Gene: And then I would have taken your right arm and pulled it behind your back, and made you scream, “God loves Jacob and He hates Esau.”

[recording]: Okay.

Gene: And then, after I did that, I would have put you in a triangle hold, or an arm bar, and I would have made you sing “Jesus loves me, this I know, because the Bible tells me so.”

Is it just me, or is this almost a pornographic level of violent detail? I get the strange feeling that this fantasy is being read out of a diary with the windows drawn closed. Maybe it’s just me, but the specific anatomical imagery, combined with a heavy religious context, speaks to me of deep-seating feelings which I doubt Gene is prepared to deal with. But no, that could never be the case- after all, this is a man who has joined with Dr. Robery Morey to reject the modern church which portrays Jesus himself as a “fag.” A church which somehow sees Christian violence as unbiblical. As Gene says:

This is the whole problem with Christianity. So many Christians are afraid to act like themselves, because they are afraid of being seen as non-Christians. Look, there is absolutely nothing that I could do in that UFC ring to lose my salvation. Nothing. Except maybe kiss him on the cheek while I have him in a submission.

Indeed.