They Fixed Haggard!

Update: Unconfirmed reports have stated that Haggard's intensive hetero-therapy team was trained by John Paulk.

Rejoice! Ted Haggard has been cured:

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

So let's see... Three weeks of intensive, behind-closed-doors counseling with four other (completely heterosexual) ministers resulted in the fixing, curing, and otherwise repairing of Ted Haggard's tendency to have sexual malfunctions of the homo variety.

I think the next step in Haggard's healing is to prove that he still likes vagina. This can most effectively be accomplished by "leaking" a homemade sex tape of Mr. and Mrs. Haggard. I think they should get to work on that immediately.

The article continues:

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Wait, now I'm confused. Isn't it when people "discover" something about themselves that leads them to "acting out" in the first place? Wasn't Haggard "acting out" after he "discovered" that he preferred penis to vagina? I think this guy Ralph has the little cause-and-effect chain in his head mixed up.

Or maybe this guy Ralph is giving and receiving meth-laced massages with Christopher Beard?

At any rate, now that Haggard is a card-carrying heterosexual (thanks to all that intensive therapy with 4 male ministers behind closed doors), the town of Colorado Springs is kicking his ass out:

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

"This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed."

Actually, it isn't the town that’s kicking Haggard out, but the ministers that hetero-ized him. The logic is simple. You see, bonefied and certified heterosexual Christian ministers have no place in Colorado Springs or at the New Life Church. Those minister positions are reserved for Godly people who partake in "gentlemanly games" and like to dabble in "crystal."