Internet Goosing the Antithesis

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

An IM conversation from another world

An IM conversation in the Roman States of America, circa 2005 AUC...


NoGods : Hello Vesta29
Vesta29 : Hey NoGods. You're an atheist right ?
NoGods : Yea, I guess that was easy to figure out eh ? lol
Vesta29 : Why don't you believe in the Pantheon ?
NoGods : I think it's clear that there are no gods. Just look at what happened with Hurricane Krystyn. Do you really think that...
Vesta29 : Ah, that's easy. Neptune sent us Hurricane Krystyn because he is angry at our exploitation of the seas.
NoGods : What ? That's ridiculous. Hurricanes are caused by low-pressure cells that transport heat from warm to cold regions of the seas.
Vesta29 : And who had that idea ? Neptune !
NoGods : Wha... wait. How do you even know Neptune exists ?
Vesta29 : The Odyssey clearly states that Neptune punished Odysseus because he blinded the Cyclops...
NoGods : Wait. Wait a second. The Odyssey has Poseidon in it, not Neptune. It's a Greek myth.
Vesta29 : What ?
NoGods : Your own religion says that the Odyssey was written by Homer. He was an early Greek poet. Not Roman.
Vesta29 : So what ? They're the same god. The god of the sea. There can only be one god of the sea, so they must be the same one. Duh !
NoGods : ...
Vesta29 : Anyway, the Odyssey clearly states that Neptune existed.
NoGods : Well why should I believe in this at all ? First of all, The Odyssey was codified from oral transmission a couple centuries AUC. Secondly, we don't even know if Homer existed. Why should I believe a text thousands of years old that is probably mythical and we don't even know who wrote it ?
Vesta29 : That's a silly argument. Don't you like science ?
NoGods : Of course.
Vesta29 : All the great scientists were Pantheonists. Heron of Alexandria, who invented the steam engine, was a Pantheonist.
NoGods : But... but... he was a Greek.
Vesta29 : Shut up ! Hippocrates of Cos was a Pantheonist. In his pledge for doctors that we still use today, people invoke the names of Apollo and Asclepius. So that proves it ! Al Battani, who discovered the law of gravity, lived in the Arab provinces but he was still a Pantheonist. He wrote books and books about the Music of the Spheres, in fact he wrote more about it than he did about science. Paracelsus, who discovered the Theory of Relativity, is a believer !
NoGods : Now wait a fucking second. Paracelsus didn't believe in literal gods.
Vesta29 : He said the gods don't play dice.
NoGods : He meant the gods as natural laws ! Not real gods.
Vesta29 : What the Hades do you know ? And the Roman States of America were founded on the principles of Pantheonism.
NoGods : No they weren't !
Vesta29 : They were too. It says right there on the Constitution : "We the People of the Roman States of America, in order to form a more perfect union, with the blessings of the gods..."
NoGods : Just because the people who wrote the Constitution were believers, does not make it true ! And besides, they were deists.
Vesta29 : They were not !
NoGods : Listen man, I have to go. The wife is calling me to watch this movie we rented, "A Fistful of Sestertius".
Vesta29 : Okay, cool. But you'll have to agree on one thing.
NoGods : What's that ?
Vesta29 : Pantheonism is not so bad. Can you imagine if our society was founded on one of those weird religious cults they have in the provinces ?
NoGods : Yea. Like those Jews and their weird war god cult. Can you imagine an entire country based on that ?
Vesta29 : HA HA HA HA HA !
NoGods : Heeee he he he. That would be awful.
Vesta29 : Man, that's scary ! I'm sure glad the Roman Empire conquerred those backwards civilizations.
NoGods : Bye now.
Vesta29 : Go with the blessings of Jupiter !
NoGods : Shut up.

Go to part 2.

Post a Comment


At 10/05/2005 1:21 AM, Blogger starbender declaimed...

hahahahaha... That was highly entertaining!

At 10/05/2005 4:23 AM, Blogger Francois Tremblay declaimed...

Bonus points if you figure out who Al Battani and Paracelsus stand for (apart from having been real people in our universe).

At 10/05/2005 6:49 AM, Blogger Bahnsen Burner declaimed...

"They're the same god. The god of the sea. There can only be one god of the sea, so they must be the same one. Duh !"

With logic like this, who could disbelieve?



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