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Internet Goosing the Antithesis

Monday, May 21, 2007

We Pissed Off Chuck Norris...

...and now we're in serious trouble.

Chuck Norris is an internationally-known killing machine and born-again Christian who has just discovered the Blasphemy Challenge. As of this report, Brian Sapient and crew are fortifying their "bunker" with lead and concrete. This, of course, will not work.

Chuck advises all theistic patriots to "be wise to atheists' overt and covert schemes, exposing their agenda and fighting to lay waste to their plans."

To inform his readers of the correct plan of attack, Chuck details the Evil Atheist Conspiracy's™ 5-year plan (procured, no doubt, from the freshly slain corpse of one of our operatives). This includes:

Outlawing Christianity
  1. by causing a goof-up at the mint, resulting in "In God We Trust" being accidentally left off some new dollar coins.
  2. by joining the Freedom From Religion Foundation and ensuring that the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution is correctly applied.
  3. by discovering the existence of a nonbelieving Congressman.
  4. by forcing Congress to pass a hate-crime bill.
Targeting Children
  1. by daring to raise them without religion.
  2. by offering a non-religious summer camp for freethinking kids.
  3. by providing an online forum to allow teenagers to question faith.
  4. by offering unholy Richard Dawkins link buttons for MySpace pages.
Promoting Atheism
  1. by purchasing Richard Dawkins' "atheist bible."
  2. by allowing Sam Harris to write letters.
  3. by ignoring the science that proves God.
It's clear- Chuck has our number, and I'd advise you all to clear out before you see the beard.

Post a Comment


17 Comments:

At 5/21/2007 11:54 AM, Blogger BlackSun declaimed...

More 'wisdom' from the "kickboxing and guns" school of philosophy.

 
At 5/21/2007 1:10 PM, Blogger Joe declaimed...

As an agnostic, I think Chucky made a great case for us. Atheism is a weak alternative, does presume too much upon "what's behind the curtain," and cannot be defended scientifically--as any other metaphysical belief cannot. Dawkins has something to learn from profs like Davies and science writers like Horgan. Dawkins is definitely over-rated right now. As an astronomy major, I believe Chuck made some great points. I'm surprised he knows as much as he does. Not enough know about the work of Horgan and Davies--who have been working metaphysics far before Dawkins came on the scene.

 
At 5/21/2007 2:16 PM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

Dude, we are soooooooo fucked! You know, Chuck Norris has the power of Jesus in his roundhouse kicks. NOTHING can stop him! I only hope he does not find our own little outpost on the web, or else we will surely get roundhoused into Christian conversion by the Chuckinator :(

Did you know that Chuck Norris was the 4th wise man? He gave Jesus the gift of "beard"!

 
At 5/21/2007 2:25 PM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

By the way Zach, PZ Myers is hosting a carnival for the opening up of Ken Ham's bullshit museum next week. Since you are a smart biologist type of guy, I thought you might find this information interesting:

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2007/05/dueling_petitions.php#comments

 
At 5/21/2007 2:25 PM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

Fuck the link didnt properly post. Here is the proper link for PZ's anti-Ham carnival.

 
At 5/21/2007 3:00 PM, Blogger Intergalactic Hussy declaimed...

Why are Christians so threatened? If they have the true answers, then logically they shouldn't even care. Oh, wait nothing they do can be done logically.

 
At 5/21/2007 3:19 PM, Blogger Alison declaimed...

Damn! Can't post two words without an agnostic coming along saying how great they are.

Psh. Agnostics.

 
At 5/21/2007 3:20 PM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

You still didn't get it right, Aaron- the actual link is here.

But yes, that sounds interesting- especially since I just refuted a molecular biology article on Answers in Genesis in private correspondence with Emery Wang, the atheist from "A Christian and an Atheist" podcast.

 
At 5/21/2007 5:28 PM, Blogger Butch declaimed...

Aaron - "the gift of 'beard'". Ha! That killed me and it was awesome. Another shirt to be made? I'll give credit. And you should join us next time, dude. We were at the pub for 5-1/2 hours.

Intergalactic - I don't think a characterisation of 'all' Christians is very fair or, by your own statement, very logical. It doesn't follow that what some Christians do all of them do. Some of us are logical. Sometimes. But I do admit, I am embarassed by a lot of what goes on. Did you see the RRS vs. Cameron and Comfort debate? Gave me chills. "Croc-a-duck". Wow. I don't know those guys!

 
At 5/22/2007 6:19 PM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

Butch,

TY... to be fair I didnt make that one up. I read it at one of those Chuck Norris facts sites.

And I would have totally LOVED to be at the pub with all of ya, unfortunately it is not practical for me to do so as I live in Los Angeles and you guys are drinkin it up over in Texas :(

And Zach, yes I did fuck up the link twice. Thanks for the assistance, bro!

 
At 5/24/2007 1:48 PM, Blogger Matt declaimed...

Joe -

I've got an invisible dragon in my garage that makes all microwaves and whoopie cushions work by way of its super-powerful mind thingie.
As an agnostic you must believe there is the possibility that it might exist.
Sucks to be you.
- Matt

 
At 5/24/2007 1:58 PM, Blogger Tukla in Iowa declaimed...

Joe's comment could have been insightful if only he knew what "agnostic" and "atheist" actually mean and that agnostics are the ones making a positive metaphysical assertion.

 
At 5/24/2007 4:34 PM, Blogger Kapitano declaimed...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 5/24/2007 4:36 PM, Blogger Kapitano declaimed...

Has any one here ever, ever met an agnostic who went to church "just in case god exists"?

No, neither have I. Odd how some people who are quite happy to live as an atheist are scared to think as one.

 
At 5/26/2007 2:26 AM, Blogger Tukka declaimed...

Joe, you sound like someone who's never actually read anything Dawkins has written, or heard anything he has said, and are just buying into the silly and generally false cariacture of Dawkins as an irrational zealot for religious atheism.

As was alluded to in another comment, atheists do not necessarily make a positive claim about the nature of god or any physical or metaphysical reality (this includes Dawkins). To be an atheist simply means you lack the conviction that a god or gods exists. Nothing more, nothing less. You yourself are probably an atheist by that accurate definition.

Few atheists go that one step further to say with absolute certitude that no gods exist, though many will say that specific conceptions of god are highly unlikely to be true (so unlikely that they ought to be utterly dismissed as nonsense), in the same way one might say will near total certainty that, for example, fairies don't exist, or that the Flying Spaghetti Monster doesn't exist.

Agnosticism is just a philosophy that rejects claims of ultimate knowledge. When applied to God, as it often is, it's simply the assertion that ultimate knowledge of whether or not God exists is not available to us. It's an intellectual position that many atheists hold to, including myself, but it's not really a practical philosophy -- we all live our lives by assuming ultimately unprovable things about reality are true, otherwise we'd never get anything done, let alone make real scientific progress.

 
At 7/10/2007 10:12 PM, Blogger michael declaimed...

Don't worry, Zach. I don't think Chuck is angry at you. He just finds you pathetic.

 
At 2/03/2009 12:05 AM, Blogger uiyui declaimed...

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