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Internet Goosing the Antithesis

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Drink Some Jesus-Juice

It was only a matter of time.

Some company is now selling bottled, drinkable holy water. Honestly, the only reason I'm pissy about this is because I didn't think of it first.

But it should be noted that this product contains a warning:
Warning to sinners: If you are a sinner or evil in nature, this product may cause burning, intense heat, sweating, skin irritations, rashes, itchiness, vomiting, bloodshot and watery eyes, pale skin color, and oral irritations.


How convenient. Remember that in Christian mythology (yes I used that word deliberately) every human is a sinner, except for Jesus. This means that anyone could get sick off this water and start vomiting or what have you, and the holy water producers could just say that your sin caused it to happen, hopefully deflecting any allegations of poor water quality. Funny that the high quality distinguishing feature of this water, its holiness, is the feature that the makers claim can lead to symptoms similar -or identical- to those that one would suffer from drinking very low quality water.

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9 Comments:

At 3/08/2007 8:04 AM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

This is absolute bullshit. Every good Christian knows that the only Biblical water is hexagonal water.

 
At 3/08/2007 8:41 AM, Blogger Godless Geek declaimed...

A friend and I had a funny thought yesterday while in a discussion about this.

Coming from the Christian doctrine that all are sinners, and the warning label applying to sinners, it would be funny if they put an additive in the that caused nausea or other symptoms. It would be a perfect way to make people guilty about their human nature.

It's funny to think about, but they would be completely unable to mass market the stuff if this was case. The FDA would never allow it. At least, I hope not.

 
At 3/08/2007 1:14 PM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

At least they arent selling bottled heavy water

 
At 3/08/2007 3:21 PM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

Hey- heavy water's pretty good, actually. I had to drink it when I was volunteering for a cholesterol metabolism study back when I was a graduate student. Maybe it was just my imagination, but it tasted faintly sweet.

 
At 3/08/2007 3:42 PM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

I had no idea it tasted better than regular water, Zach. Damn!

Well apparently the stuff isnt too harmful unless its the only liquid you drink for a few days, and then it tends to sterilize and kill you.

I wouldn't mind trying a small amount, just for kicks. ;)

 
At 3/08/2007 5:34 PM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

Clinical trials are an important part of the drug discovery process. Check out what's being conducted in your area, and see if there are any interesting trials you'd be interested in participating in. The pay is pretty decent- I made a cool two grand for the one that had me drinking heavy water (I also received some carbon-13 intravenously, and the ratio of the two in my blood over the next few days helped them determine how much cholesterol my body was making).

 
At 3/08/2007 6:41 PM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

Cool, I can be a paid lab rat! I hope I get some cool bionic implants. Ill take the mark of the beast for $5000, Alex!

 
At 3/09/2007 5:55 PM, Blogger Sacred Slut declaimed...

Aaron, you missed the fun part: You too can sign up to bless the water! Clergy are lining up for it. ROFLMAO.

My own brilliant idea was to produce a line of tortillas with the face of Jesus/Mary/your favorite saint already pre-toasted on the tortilla, like those Hello Kitty toasters do. Can you imagine the demand for this in the hispanic catholic community? No stealing my idea, now. LOL

 
At 3/11/2007 5:13 AM, Blogger Aaron Kinney declaimed...

Now that is a good idea, Sacred Slut! Can I invest some venture capital in it? ;)

 

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