Orgasms for Ramadan!
Iranian Supreme Kommandant, Chancellor, and a bunch of other official-sounding titles, Sayyid Ali Khameini, said that "intentional masturbation" will violate and invalidate one's Ramadan fast:
Khameini, who is Iran's most powerful political and religious figure, was asked on his website : "If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?"
"If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a haram (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a haram intentional breaking fasting," the Iranian leader said, posting the reply on his website.
Although this is rather barbaric, it could admittedly be worse. Imagine if this Islamic tyrant said that menstruation during Ramadan invalidated the whole thing!
I wonder which book uses the words "issue" and "seed" more, the Bible or the Quran? Maybe some government-financed university should conduct a big expensive study to find the answer to that important question. Just kidding!
According to Islam.About.com, fasting during Ramadan includes not just eating or ejaculating, but also Orwellian thoughtcrime:
The tongue must be restrained from backbiting and gossip. The eyes must restrain themselves from looking at unlawful things. The hand must not touch or take anything that does not belong to it. The ears must refrain from listening to idle talk or obscene words. The feet must refrain from going to sinful places. In such a way, every part of the body observes the fast.
Therefore, fasting is not merely physical, but is rather the total commitment of the person's body and soul to the spirit of the fast. Ramadan is a time to practice self-restraint; a time to cleanse the body and soul from impurities and re-focus one's self on the worship of God.
Emphasis mine, just to show the silliness of these self-denial ideals.
I like how it says, "The hand must not touch or take anything that does not belong to it." I mean, sure, that's a good rule. But am I crazy or does it seem to imply that only during Ramadan must this be observed? Seriously, what is the difference between Ramadan and the rest of the Islamic year? Isn't all this shit already illegal in Muslim law 24/7? Aren't 95% of these things to be observed by devout Muslims all year long anyway? Oh, but during Ramadan it's different, because they include orgasms and food in the pile of "haram" actions! Give me a break.
I propose a new campaign of anti-Ramadan awareness. I think it's something that all atheists, and maybe even some liberal Christians, can get behind. I call it "Orgasms for Ramadan!" and the rules are simple. During the month of Ramadan, have lots of orgasms as is conveniently possible. Have lots of sex with your spouse, or with your toys, or with yourself. Just be sure to climax, and if you get a chance, think of Allah and/or Mohammed when you do so. I would have suggested thinking of Iranian Supreme Kommandant and Chancellor Sayyid Ali Khameini, but that dude is ugly and will probably interfere with your ability to climax. I know it would interfere with mine!
And that's it! You don't need to do anything else, although if you have the guts you could brag on your blog or something about how Ramadan is the most sexually active month for you. That's what I love most about this new Orgasms for Ramadan campaign, because everybody is a winner! Except, of course, for Allah.