Internet Goosing the Antithesis

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Question of the Day #52: Fun with zealotry

What's the funniest thing that ever happened to you during a run-in with a religious individual?

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At 7/12/2006 10:15 PM, Blogger beepbeepitsme declaimed...

Oh, I like this question. It is one I can answer, lol.

The funniest thing that happened to me was when my boyfriend and I were living in quite a remote location in australia.

We were at least 30 miles from the nearest township, and to gain access to the house you needed to travel for about 2 miles on a dirt road.

Needles to say, we didn't get visitors unannounced too often.

One sunday morning, after a delightful party the night before where we both had had a few too many "party schnapps", we heard a tentative knocking at the front door.

My boyfriend, in a slight hangover haze, crawled out of bed and staggered into the loungeroom and lurched towards the front door. (The doors and windows were never locked, because we were so far from other people.)

Oh, I forgot to say that he was naked. (We were both young and gorgeous and slept naked in those days.)

He opened the door to the startled faces of 2 very young, very dressed, and very religious jehovah witnesses.

When he came back to bed, he was laughing so loudly that I couldn't get him to explain what happened for about 15 minutes.

We didn't hear from the jehovah witnesses again, they took off on their bicycles as fast as their little legs could pedal them.

They are probably still receiving professional psychological treatment.

(The story reminds me of Billy Connelly's method for getting rid of evangelicals at the door. Where he says to the christian on the other side of the door: "I have a large erection and in ten seconds I am going to open the door. one.. two.. three... "

At about 5, the only thing that can be heard is the sound of frightened feet sprinting away. )

At 7/12/2006 10:16 PM, Blogger Hallq declaimed...

A guy asked me how I knew there was no Hell, and I asked him how he knew that there was no Invisible Pink Unicorn. "That's more of a fantasy..." he said. "So is Hell," I said. "I know, but..." I tried to give him a high five, but then it became clear he had misspoke.

At 7/13/2006 12:06 AM, Blogger Boss Foxx declaimed...

It didn't happen to me directly, but when I was a kid and Jehovah's Witnesses came to our house on the weekend.

Dad invited the old man of the group in for a drink after about 15 seconds of their schill. The old man's eyes lit up and a smile krept across his face, seeing the bottle of Captain Morgan on the kitchen table. The man's wife grabbed him by the arm and said they had to leave right then and there though, so no booze for Churchy.

I still get a smile when I think of that.

At 7/13/2006 1:09 AM, Blogger JaundiceJames declaimed...

My priest asked me to touch his wiener.

Just kidding. (It could happen!)

But seriously, I knew a mormon who pierced his nut sack himself with a needle and put in a hoop ear-ring. It got infected. He took ear-ring out, put some alcohol on it, and walked a little funny for a while. Next, he tried his nipples, but the same thing happened.

You wouldn't think a mormon would do that, but mormons can get their freak-on like nobody's business.


At 7/13/2006 8:15 AM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

Another JW story:

When I was in college, I was visited by two JWs- both large black women. I invited them in, and we sat down to talk about the Bible. I listened to their schtick for a while, then began to ask some questions. This was after I had been studying higher and lower literary criticism- I was not yet an atheist, but I knew precisely which parts of the Bible were bullshit and why. The older of the two gave her best attempt to answer me, but it was clear that the criticism was beyond her understanding. After about an hour, the younger one (who hadn't said much anyway) was asleep in her chair, and snoring lightly. After a few more minutes, the older women made her apologies and got up to leave, waking the other.

I never heard from them again.

At 7/13/2006 5:53 PM, Blogger olly declaimed...

Seems like it's JW's or Mormon's for everyone..

..myself included!

We always used to try to find the funniest ways to mess with them when I was in college (I lived in a two bedroom house that only two of us actually paid rent at, but there were usually at least 8-10 people passed out there). I remember one night we saw them coming down the driveway (I think these were Mormons, they always came on Friday nights for some reason), and in our drunken haze we were trying to find the best ways to mess with them. Finally, my best friend staggers up and says "let me deal with them". We watched from the windows, as these guys faces got paler and paler, and finally they took off... never came back.

When we asked him what he had done, he said he'd simply stood there, bottle of Jack in one hand, cigaretter in the other... he'd take a swig, take a drag, then as he exhaled say over and over under his breath "smoke for the dark one, smoke for the dark one, smoke for the dark one". Apparently they thought he was kidding... until they said any biblical verses... then he'd yell it at them. When they stopped, he'd mumble again. He also had apparently unzipped his pants and let the boys hang free during this "conversation".



At 7/15/2006 9:29 PM, Blogger breakerslion declaimed...

My mom, of all people, used to mess with the JW's. Back in the 1960's, the Witnesses in my home town used to memorize their speil. My mom would interrupt them repeatedly, causing them to start over from the beginning each time until they finally gave up.

My own efforts in this field of play are more modest. I keep relearning the lesson about arguing with a crazy person. My one notable frivolous contribution I think, was when I had something like the following conversation with the typical godstruck ecstatic young male egomaniac-in-training:

Me: “So God is everywhere?”

Godstruck: “Yes! (blah blah blah loves you blah blah blah)”

Me: “ And God is everywhere all at once?”

Godstruck: “Yes! (etc.)”

(Note to self: Never expect a short answer from a preacher wanna-be.)

Me: So if God is everywhere, all at once, then God is inside that table, and that chair, and my sandwich (did I mention that this took place in a college cafeteria?) and everything else we see. We can’t say that God is part of the chair, because that would mean that God would only be in some of the places that the chair is also. Therefore, the chair must be part of God, or God cannot be “everywhere”. How exactly is this different from Pantheism?

After a few more exchanges, Godstruck had a bit of a fit and refused to talk to me anymore. Was it something I said?

At 7/17/2006 3:59 PM, Blogger Brucker declaimed...

I once had some JWs come to my door when I was in college, and the woman was toting along a two-year-old girl. (Note that JWs are usually a man and a woman in suits, while Mormons are usually two teenage boys in short-sleeved white shirts and ties.) While the man was explaining to me how I and the rest of the world were firmly in the grip of Satan, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the little gril fiddling with a car battery a friend had left on my porch. I lunged at her, grabbed her hand and exclaimed, "Oh, gee, sweetie, I don't know if that's a live terminal!" which I really didn't.

I glared at them and asked, "Don't you think it's a little questionable going door to door with a young child like this?! She could have been hurt!" The woman was aghast, and the man, who had speaking very confidently started to stutter in response, but I cut him off. "I think you'd better just go..." and I shut the door on them.



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