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Tuesday, July 04, 2006

"Jesus" was a horse thief / The Power of Christ!

"Jesus" was a horse thief. Luke 19:29-35 says so:

As he approached Bethphage and Bethany at the hill called the Mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples, saying to them, "Go to the village ahead of you, and as you enter it, you will find a colt tied there, which no one has ever ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, 'Why are you untying it?' tell him, 'The Lord needs it.'"

Those who were sent ahead went and found it just as he had told them. As they were untying the colt, its owners asked them, "Why are you untying the colt?"

They replied, "The Lord needs it."

They brought it to Jesus, threw their cloaks on the colt and put Jesus on it.


Who'd have thought?


Does "The Power of Christ Compels You"? It did not compel the author of Daylight Atheism, who pointed out certain astute things, as for instance, why do we need to repeat it three times? But for those of you who want to test this anyway and prove that you are a "real atheist" (according to the person who came up with these incantations), here are the instructions:

Say this out loud 3x:

OUR FATHER WHICH ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME.
THY KINGDOM COME. THY WILL BE DONE, AS IN HEAVEN SO ON EARTH.
GIVE US DAY BY DAY OUR DAILY BREAD.
AND FORGIVE US OUR SINS;
FOR WE ALSO FORGIVE EVERY ONE THAT IS INDEBTED TO US.
AND LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION; BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL.
FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY FOREVER
IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST,
AMEN

Then say this out loud 3x:

SPEAK OUTLOUD
SATAN, IN THE NAME OF JESUS, I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE MY MIND, BODY, LIFE,
AND SOUL TODAY IN THE NAME OF JESUS!
YOU HAVE NO DOMINION OVER MY LIFE!
I SUBMIT MY BODY, LIFE, AND SOUL TO GOD, IN THE NAME OF JESUS!
THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS AGAINST YOU
SATAN!
I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY LIFE!
I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER WHERE I LIVE AT!
I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY FAMILY!
I DO IT ALL IN THE NAME OF JESUS
THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS AGAINST YOU
SATAN! IN JESUS NAME I CALL IT DONE! AMEN AND AMEN!
IN JESUS CHRIST'S HOLY NAME I PRAY, AMEN!


Well, there it is.

Post a Comment


7 Comments:

At 7/04/2006 10:13 AM, Blogger Daniel declaimed...

I've gotten that email three goddamn times in the past month. I did it as a laugh, and I think it somehow magically made me more godless.

I wish I knew how the fucker sent that, and how to block it. Do you?

 
At 7/04/2006 11:04 AM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

Add a second count to that theivery charge. According to Matthew, he stole a donkey as well:

When they had approached Jerusalem and had come to Bethphage, at the Mount of Olives, then Jesus sent two disciples, saying to them, "Go into the village opposite you, and immediately you will find a donkey tied there and a colt with her; untie them and bring them to Me.

"If anyone says anything to you, you shall say, 'The Lord has need of them,' and immediately he will send them."

This took place to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet:

"SAY TO THE DAUGHTER OF ZION, 'BEHOLD YOUR KING IS COMING TO YOU, GENTLE, AND MOUNTED ON A DONKEY, EVEN ON A COLT, THE FOAL OF A BEAST OF BURDEN.'"

The disciples went and did just as Jesus had instructed them, and brought the donkey and the colt, and laid their coats on them; and He sat on the coats.


This, of course, raises the amusing imagery of Jesus riding both donkey and colt simultaneously, like a circus performer! Of course, this oddity in Matthew (seldom mentioned by Christians) is due to the author's midrashic zeal- he retroactively connected the story of the colt told in Mark's version to scripture in Zechariah 9. In his enthusiasm, however, he assumed that the passage in Zechariah was referencing two animals, when in fact it only really mentions one- the colt OF a donkey, not the colt AND a donkey.

It's amusing to know that even in the birth of Christian scripture, people were so blindly dedicated to faith that they made the very same kinds of blunders writing it that modern Christians make in reading it.

 
At 7/05/2006 7:02 AM, Blogger breakerslion declaimed...

I'm told there's a shortage of Jesus blood, so it's OK to substitute chicken blood or feces.

 
At 7/15/2006 2:07 PM, Blogger Gef declaimed...

In the day and age where people are so secretive I really appreciate you sharing your true thoughts.
Regards

Sean Cody

 
At 7/25/2006 8:50 AM, Blogger Gef declaimed...

Thanks for that mate, I am still pretty new to this so your info is great!
Thankyou
Randy Blue

 
At 8/03/2006 10:46 PM, Blogger Gef declaimed...

As my mother used to say if you have nothing nice to say...

G

My Gay Zone

 
At 3/30/2013 10:18 AM, Blogger manToman Toman declaimed...

NOT MY DONKEY YOU DON?T!!!--- Luke 19:29-35
JOKE--- Fred and his brother walk into a diner and
Fred grabs the waitress and says, "I’ll have a cup of
coffee for me and a cup for Donkey here too."
The two guys drink their coffee and the waitress
comes back to take their order. Fred says, "Right donkey what do you want to eat; I’ll have a
cheese burger and fries."
Donkey looks at the waitress and says, "Ch, ch, ch
ch ch ch eeez B, b, b ur, burger and f, f, f, fries
please."
While donkey is ordering, Fred goes to wash his hands in the bathroom and the waitress says, "Say,
you shouldn’t let him call you that stupid
nickname."
Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he
awwwwww, he always calls me ’Donkey.’"
INTRO--- When you think of all the things that you would be willing to give to Christ what items are
not on your list? This morning we are going to talk
about the Triumphal Entry of Jesus Christ into
Jerusalem and His personal sacrifice for our gain.
PRAYER
TRANS--- Our Scripture today tells us about the events that lead up to Jesus? triumphant entrance
into Jerusalem. So it begins with Jesus telling his
disciples to go and steal a donkey!!! Wha, whup
whup!!! Hold on there preacher! Jesus did not steal
that donkey! Ok, so you are one of those who
believe that Jesus had made pre-arrangements with the owner for when he came to town. Well
that is fair enough. However, the language of the
Scripture does not indicate this at all.
You see when Jesus says, ?If anyone asks you, ?
Why are you untying it? You shall say, ?The Lord
has need of it??? Jesus was not indicating any person in particular. For instance, if I were to tell
Bro. Scott Peterson and Bro. William McDaniel to
go borrow a ladder from a friend of mine in
Campbellsville, I would at least tell them the guys
name so that when they went they wouldn?t get
shot. There you go again Bro. Ed callin Jesus a thief. No
no no no no. Listen Jesus did not steal this
donkey. ?Now wait a minute Brother Ed, if Jesus
did not pre-arrange to use the donkey then he
must have stolen it right?? No. I want you to look
very carefully at the language here. You see, Jesus used the word Lord here very deliberately??You
shall say, the Lord has need of it? My friends the
way Jesus uses this word Lord suggests a dual
meaning. The way Jesus used this word; the
disciples not only recognized Jesus as Master over
them but also Master over the donkey. So today, I want you to forget about Palm Sunday
for just a minute and I want you to put yourself in
the place of that donkey?s owner.
Now tell the truth, in today?s society, we would
rather the disciples took the beat up nag out back
in the barn before they got our best work donkey out front near the plow, wouldn?t we? Or maybe
someone else has a spare donkey that they can
use. Why does it have to be MY donkey? And why
do they need a brand new one? There are 4
questions we need to ask ourselves this Palm
Sunday before we will ever be ready for Easter to arrive:
I. THE FIRST QUESTION: WHY DID JESUS? DISCIPLES
JUST TAKE A DONKEY WITHOUT ASKING?
A. Psalms 24:1 The earth is the LORD?S, and
everything in it, the world

 

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