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Internet Goosing the Antithesis

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Oh boy! The Rapture is coming!

Here is a real doozy, which is why I'm gonna make it the whole post. Fundies salivate at the thought of what they're gonna get in Heaven. A premise which makes for scintillating conversation. It's good to know that I live on the same planet as a group of people who rejoice so much in anticipation of everyone's death. Some samples:

I think after a period of just enjoying His presence, having time to know Him face to face so to speak, there will be a time of sort of like training, as I think we will have jobs to do during the millenium, oversight type jobs in the effort to clean up the mess left behind by the AC, sort of like goverment positions almost.


Great, Heavenly Bureaucracy. I can just see it.

I want to have a talk with Eve


I'm pretty sure that would be frowned upon.

I'd like to build my own house, Jesus would be the architect and I'm sure would help me out with the building.


Is he as good an architect as Hitler?

So I will have a 1953 Vette with a propulsion system that uses no gas. oil, water, or grease. It will levitate 1 foot off of the ground when sitting. No tires and it will be able to fly. It will be red/white.


Yeah, I always wanted one of those speeder bikes from Star Wars--I think I'll have one of those


Is this Heaven, or your self-insertion science-fiction fanfic?

The way Jesus talked about heaven - He made it really clear that no one is going to want to miss out on this! Reading everyone's posts is encouraging me not to put off one more day talking to those in my life who are lost. I'm going to watch Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron again to learn how to do it with love.


Yes, Ray can sure help you on that.

How awesome would it be to be able to stand on Mercury or Venus without being burnt to a crisp, or to walk on Pluto without freezing to death? Imagine skydiving on Jupiter, parasailing on Neptune where the winds exceed 1000 mph, or swimming in the oceans of Europa! And then there's Mars.... wow.


Wow indeed.

5. Built my own Cartoon Studio and my my own cartoons for Eternity.


Beavis and Butthead?

We'll be able to enjoy all of nature without ever so much as a sneeze ever again, or watery itchy eyes!!


How the Hell does that work? Does Heaven have automatic Instant Claritin?

On my day off, I want to see God's collection of video tapes of human history. I want to watch the creation of heaven and earth. I want to see the Garden of Eden and see Adam and Eve created. I want to see all of the events of the bible as they actually occured.
(...)
I want to see my family the day they found out my mom was pregnant with me, I want to see myself being born, I want to see my sister in 1962 praying to God for my salvation as a young child. I want to see, when I was 8, the day I accepted Christ as my Saviour.


The ultimate creepy Peeping Tom?

Walk over to pit of fire and set aside small 19" tv set playing 24 hour marathon of reruns of the show ThirtySomething for Satan. While at the same time plugging in radio and setting the volume to monstrous levels with Yanni at the RedRock.


Hey! I like Yanni!

Then, I want to spend plenty of time with my father (about a thousand years for starters), my grandmother (another thousand) and a dear friend who went to be with Jesus when I was 19 (another thousand).


DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING LONG A THOUSAND YEARS IS? I can barely stand my mom for a day!


All kidding aside, what I want to know is, with all the people who want to crowd around "Jesus" and stare in his beautiful eyes, won't they stampede and kill each other? On the other hand, you can't die in Heaven, so... maybe they become zombies?

Post a Comment


9 Comments:

At 6/27/2006 11:30 AM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

Maybe Heaven is your own private Holodeck. Seems appropriate, since Star Trek already anticipated the physcial description of heaven in the Bible: a large cube hanging in space.

 
At 6/27/2006 12:05 PM, Blogger breakerslion declaimed...

Oh boy! And I can eat ice cream and drink beer at the same time without throwing up... and I can bang my head against a wall really hard because of the banality of it all - and it won't hurt a bit! Maybe, if I'm real good (and how could you be otherwise in Heabum?) God will make little pink butterflies fly out the ghost of my ass!

The truly sad part of all of this sugarcandy wishful thinking is, that it exposes the thinking of a person who has completely given up on the idea of GETTING A LIFE!

 
At 6/27/2006 12:14 PM, Blogger olly declaimed...

It cracks me up that this is the view of heaven for these people, and yet they refuse to admit that they are being self-serving and self-interested in believing in it.

News Flash: if you are trying to get to heaven because you dream of running through a Homer Simpson version of Candyland, then you are doing it out of your own self-interest!!

-olly

 
At 6/27/2006 12:43 PM, Blogger Lya Kahlo declaimed...

Yeah, I can see now why believing in god is so mature, sensible and conducive to generosity.

This is a big collection of "Look at what Santa brought ME" ideas of heaven.

 
At 6/27/2006 1:05 PM, Blogger Francois Tremblay declaimed...

Hey, don't bash Homer Simpson!

 
At 6/27/2006 5:15 PM, Blogger olly declaimed...

Haha, I was bashing heaven, not Homer @ Franc

-olly

 
At 6/28/2006 6:57 AM, Blogger Bahnsen Burner declaimed...

One guy said: "So I will have a 1953 Vette with a propulsion system that uses no gas. oil, water, or grease. It will levitate 1 foot off of the ground when sitting. No tires and it will be able to fly. It will be red/white."

Yep, the Magic Kingdom, a fantasyland for the perpetually distraught. This guy sounds like he wants a speeder from the original Star Wars. The lesson here is: If we invest ourselves enough in our imagination, we can have whatever we want in "the afterlife."

 
At 6/30/2006 8:02 AM, Blogger Mike declaimed...

Where are all of these quotes from?

 
At 6/30/2006 11:54 AM, Blogger Francois Tremblay declaimed...

The link is right at the top of the entry.

 

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