Internet Goosing the Antithesis

Saturday, June 17, 2006

New words for the Christians

Religions language is, let's face it, totally vacuous. Since us atheists have the moral high ground, why not help our religious enemies make more sense of their own language ? So in the interests of cooperation, I present to you the Honest Christian's Glossary.

Cretin : Honest translation of "Christian".
"He believes that humans came from dirt six thousand years ago. Boy, he sure is a Cretin."

Godot : He ain't coming.
"Godot should be arriving any time now to torture and kill everyone I hate. I can hardly wait !"

Cretin Logic : The act of projecting every single flaw of your position on your enemy, while simultaneously and blithely ignoring all contradictions in your own worldview. This is also called Apologetics, because Cretins always have to apologize for being such great Cretins.
"Without Godot, morality is subjective, and there's no reason to follow any rule over another. I'm gonna go make a graven image of the Ten Suggestions now."

Holey Babble : An incomprehensible, disjointed, stream-of-consciousness book containing innumerable contradictions, absurdities and immoralities. More immoral but somewhat more entertaining than Mein Kampf.
"Now that you sassed your parents, the Holey Babble says that you should be put to death - wait here while I get my shotgun."

Sprite : The name given to the Cretin's mind, because it's bubbly and devoid of content.

Prince of Piss and Vinegar : Half-man, half-sprite also called Cheezus Crispy. He was a raging, foaming-at-the-mouth failed cult leader, who made his living as a bum, with 12 other men, getting rooms from single ladies hoping to get laid. The PPV was schizophrenic, had delusions of grandeur, and had the amazing skill of being able to ride two donkeys at the same time (probably because he was raised by circus clowns, who imparted him their life philosophy).

Some quotes from the PPV...
"I'm not helping you, motherfucking bitch." (Matthew 15:26)
"You're going to Hell, you fucking snakes!" (Matthew 23:33)
[to his mother] "Why are you bothering me, WOMAN ?" (John 2:4)
"ROT, damn fig tree ! YOU ROT NOW !" (Mark 11:14)

Soûl : French for "drunk". All Cretins are soûl on their idiocy 24 hours a day, but especially in church.
"Animals aren't soûl, but humans are really soûl. Pat Robertson is full of soûl."

Original Spin : After much hemming and hawing, the rationalization Godot gave for the fact that his Creation was broken from the get-go. As the proud ancestor of modern political spin, he was successful in pinning the blame for his failures on someone else. Even better, his Original Spin still works today, making it the longest-running propaganda campaign on record.
"Thanks to the Original Spin, I know that I'm an evil, corrupt, undeserving person, unless I get slaved. Praise Godot !"

Slaved : The method which, according to the Original Spin, makes you worthy of Godot's august presence. It consists of whoreshipping Godot for your entire life, or more pragmatically, making an appearance at church once in a while. Some people are so righteously masochist that they can slave themselves. In all cases, slaving involves adherence to a strict set of rules that no Cretin ever follows, including not wearing mixed fibers, stoning homosexuals, and giving up all your cash.
"I accepted Cheezus Crispy in my heart and now I'm slaved ! Praise Cheezus !"

Whoreship : Whoring your time, money, integrity and values for a bigger mansion in Heaven. This is usually accomplished by sprayer, which is the spraying of saliva on people around you while speaking aloud to yourself. This accomplishes the main goal of annoying everyone who is non-Cretin. It is very important to understand that anyone non-Cretin is inherently evil and must be annoyed as much as possible.

The Ten Suggestions : Part of the Holey Babble, these are the rules which every Cretin must follow strictly to the letter, and which every Cretin scrupulously avoids following... starting with the suggestion against graven images, which is okay to break when you want to make a graven image of the ten suggestions. This is a fine example of Cretin Logic.

Mithra : Um... what ? I don't know what that is. That doesn't exist, you're making it up !
What ? No, it doesn't exist ! Stop it ! I'm not listening ! Cheezus loves me this I know Cheezus loves me this I know Cheezus *sound of running footsteps, door slamming shut*

Post a Comment


At 6/17/2006 11:06 AM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

Thanks for this- I burst out laughing at "Original Spin." Ain't it the truth!

At 6/17/2006 5:03 PM, Blogger BlackSun declaimed...

Great satire--or should I say satyr?

At 6/17/2006 7:57 PM, Blogger Blu_Matt declaimed...

Thanks for the laugh! :-D

At 6/19/2006 8:02 AM, Blogger Vic declaimed...


At 6/26/2006 2:13 AM, Blogger Robert O'Brien declaimed...

Not a new word, but a new, accurate definition for an old word:


Generally, an elitist misanthrope who is infatuated with his pretense of learning.

Jane: I am a free thinker!
John: You get what you pay for.

Source: Robert O'Brien, California



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