Internet Goosing the Antithesis

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

What Daddy Says to His Celibate Daughter

**This is an essay I wrote through the eyes of the abstinence-demanding father. It is inspired by Zachary's previous post on abstinence pledging.**

Hello my lovely daughter. My, you are growing up so fast! I can still remember the day you were born - it seems like only yesterday to me.

Well, you are almost a woman now. You are finding your own identity and learning about love, independence, responsibility, and all those other things that differentiate between children and adults.

I want you to transition into womanhood happily, healthily, and productively. I want your life to be filled with joy. I want to see you spread your wings and fly out of the nest for the first time, exploring this big beautiful world on your own.

That is why I want you to pledge your vagina and your sex life to me, your father.

Now don’t get me wrong, you can fall in love with and marry whomever your heart longs for. This is the 21st century and it is not my place to decide who you should be joined in holy matrimony with. And after all, what kind of "adult" would I let you be if I chose your life partner for you?

But sex is a different matter, my little princess. The choice of sex is not a choice for you to make directly. That choice is reserved for me, and by proxy, your husband to be.

It is your husband who will proposition you for sex-by-marriage, but he will not proposition you directly. He must first ask my permission to marry you, and if I give him permission, then he can ask you if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Remember what I always told you growing up: "father knows best."

Of course, I am only assuming possession of your sexual organs for your safety. It is necessary in order for me to make sure that your transition into adulthood happens as smoothly as possible.

So when you are ready to experience sex, I will let you know. Or rather, I will let your fiancé/future husband know by telling him that you have my permission to ask for your hand in marriage.

After all, the only man worthy of your love is the man who would check with your father first before he asks you if you want to marry him, because this is a man who knows who owns what.

Your fiancé and I are only looking after your best interests. We love you, and we respect you. In fact, we respect you so much that we will guard your sexual organs and administer your sexual life with the wisdom and care that you could never exercise yourself.

Welcome to womanhood, my little princess. Daddy loves you!

Post a Comment


At 3/27/2007 7:57 PM, Blogger BlackSun declaimed...

That is so WRONG in so many ways.


At 3/27/2007 10:32 PM, Blogger Zachary Moore declaimed...

I can still reach back into my Christian psychology and see this as being so loving...

...but it's a really far stretch and I feel dirty coming back from it.

At 4/10/2007 5:15 PM, Blogger Roberto Ortiz declaimed...

Ewwwww! Creepy.


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